Good question! But, do we ever really know?
If so, I was 36 when that light bulb went off, and it all suddenly clicked in to place. Looking back, the signs were there from early childhood, at least that’s what I tell myself. After coming out, memories started to come back, in the form of flashbacks. I’ve often wondered, did the events I remember actually happen?
Like being completely jealous of a girl 2 years above me at middle school, I wanted her boots. But I can still remember exactly what she looked like, along with the boots obviously…
Or the times where I was bullied because I threw like a girl, or ran like a girl. I was maybe 5 or 6, and had to learn to copy boys. That’s how I survived. But I never really got it, as Fat Tom, or Ritchie C, the two PE teachers in high school, well one of them, I forget which one, humiliated me by confirming very publicly that I threw like a girl.
Of course, wearing women’s clothes was part of my life, and make up… one night, in a lonely hotel room (I use the term loosely), in the mirror I saw my mum. As she was in her 30’s. Years later, she was showing my brothers girlfriend a makeover photo she’d had done. I put my phone next to it. Jaws dropped. Yeah, that’s when I knew.