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Author: Ashley Kerlin

Half a lifetime

Just had a little cry. I’m adding to my drive playlist, up vote, down vote, working through decades of my music collection. And I’m listening to Enigma while cooking brekky. I find myself dancing around the kitchen, twisting and spinning, arms flowing around and above me, and being generally such a girl. First a little happy cry. Then I realise half a lifetime of that lost… It feels like a life stolen. That little girl who never got to dance and twirl. It becomes a big cry. But you didn’t know. You’ve had the best of both worlds. Not...

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One year ago, my world started to disintegrate. I didn’t understand what was happening to me, seemingly out of nowhere. Quite coincidentally, I started to watch a series called Sense8. In that series was a trans actor Jamie Clayton, playing a trans character. Being trans wasn’t pivotal to the role, it just was. She was just living her life. And she was beautiful.  It began to dawn on me what my new—undeniable—reality was. From the fog emerged clarity. In my desperation, I reached out, under this new name that seemed to have adopted me, like the cat that just...

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I’m an imposter

I’m an imposter. That’s one of a suite of overwhelming feelings dominating the space inside my head for months now. I’m not sure how any transgender person coped before the internet. But it can be double-edged.  Everywhere I turn are stories about people who knew they were born into the wrong bodies from very early ages. They battled their demons and societal norms for years or decades before finally feeling able to commence transition. They “earned” the right to transition the hard way. I’ve had none of that. Friends and family tell me that I was always a bit...

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